This internet-famous horse head mask
Amazon reviews are a great way to research whether to click that buy button, but they can be entertaining as well. Here are some of the funniest Amazon reviews we’ve ever seen.
“it is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own,” writes Amazon reviewer ByronicHero in a diary-like review of this horse-head mask. “I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways.”
A miniature cardboard cutout of Danny DeVito
“He is a good man,” writes Amazon reviewer Jess Jolly. “I am content at night knowing he watches me sleep.”
This dystopian Playmobil airport security playset
“██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is █████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government,” writes Amazon reviewer Paul Nord.
This fiendish Swiss army knife
The Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife yields surprising results, according to an Amazon reviewer who simply identifies as “a fan.”
“I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was nearby. Which was nice.”
A set of tiny hands
“There aren’t enough words to express my gratitude for these tiny hands,” says one Amazon reviewer. “They have made me closer with my friends, they have brought me peace of mind, and, most importantly, they have strengthened my relationship with God.”
A 1980s-style cell phone, but make it huge and inflatable
“PROS: Never dropped a call,” writes Amazon reviewer Cara. “CONS: It is not big enough. None of the buttons work.”
‘How to Avoid Huge Ships’
Amazon reviewer icanReadz questions whether this book is teaching the right lessons.
“We shouldn’t just be avoiding huge ships. We should be confronting them. If we spend our lives running away, the huge ships win.”
A pair of giant lobster claws for your hands
According to Amazon reviewer Fred McColly, these plastic lobster claws will change your life.
“…the night breeze is cool on my bony armor…I sleep in a tide pool by day protected by vigilant trigger fish..these claws have opened a whole new vista of existence…highly recommended…”
This saddle for riding on your dad
Before you purchase this saddle for riding on your dad’s back — also known as a “daddle” — read the following Amazon review from Wandrwoman.
“Please note that this Daddle is Western Style and will not be appropriate for those trained in the English Father Riding Method whereby one holds a rein in each hand and posts the trot. If you are looking forward to father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo or daddy dressage you will not be able to use this Daddle.”
This big book of random numbers
This book, A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates, was written by the RAND Corporation in the 1950s to provide “high quality” random numbers for research workers to use.
One Amazon reviewer warns, however, that the book falls short in delivering a million digits: “They only used 10, and just kept repeating them in different combinations! Don’t be fooled!”
A UFO detector (that probably won’t find aliens)
This item has terrible range, warns Amazon reviewer Peter, and is inadequate as an early alien abduction warning system.
“I woke up in the ship as I was being probed. And this stupid product was beeping. It kept beeping the whole time that I was being probed by every single crewman.”
A wall decal of an asthmatic senior citizen
“At first I wasn’t sure if spending money on a sticker of an old lady with an inhaler was a good idea but once I got it I knew I had made the right choice,” writes Amazon reviewer Wes about this strange wall decal.
“We have so much in common like our love for breathing and other things.”
The perfect way for lazy parents to clean the floor
“My floors have never been cleaner,” raves Amazon reviewer Victor G. about this baby-powered cleaning invention. “The only problem is that my child has outgrown the suit and I am having to rent children from the neighborhood to keep the floors clean.”
A steering-wheel mounted desk for your car
“You wouldn’t believe how much more interesting my commute is now that I have something to do other than just stare out the window!” explains Amazon reviewer Michael McCollough in an abbreviated review of this tray. “I’m using it right now to post this review and I never”
A gallon of Tuscan whole milk
This gallon container of Tuscan whole milk has attracted a massive number of joke reviews. In fact, it’s become famous for them.
Writes reviewer Andrew Winn: “This milk is EASILY twice as good as Tuscan Half Milk. Save yourself some hassle and just spring for the whole.”
A 26-ounce canister of Morton Table Salt
“It’s salt that tastes salty and makes food salty as well,” writes R.I. in a five-star Amazon review. “Good work, salt.”
This ‘very comfortable’ casket that’s oh so cozy
Did you know you that Amazon is a great place to buy high-quality caskets?
“Haven’t heard a single peep from grandma since she received this,” boasts one Amazon reviewer.
This banana slicer that’s only 50% effective
“We were so excited to get our Hutzler 571,” writes Amazon reviewer Emily S, “until we realized that our bananas curved the wrong way. Gonna have to go to the store for new bananas… 🍌🍌🍌”
This book of dinosaur erotica
Amazon reviewer HP explains the lure of this weird Kindle book: “I bought this because I wanted to see how the sex would work between a giant lizard and a human sized female.”
“It works, just as you might imagine it’d work.”
Dancing with Cats: The book
“My cat was never a dancer,” laments Kristi in a Amazon review of this odd book about cat dancing. “I read this book to my cat every night for one year. She cried through most of it. She still won’t dance with me.”
This alluring pillowcase featuring Nic Cage
“The pure sexiness of this man’s picture on your pillow will inspire you,” writes Karadactyl26 in a glowing Amazon review. “Go on, you deserve it. The seduction is calling to you.”
An 8-pound bag of cereal marshmallows
“It all started when the bags were emptied on the kitchen table,” one Amazon reviewer writes. “I was naive, I saw no problems — it’s just a bunch of marshmallows, right?”
But weeks later, the reviewer’s marshmallow gift had turned into a curse for its recipient: “I found him in a house on the wrong side of town with some unsavory characters who had been following him and ‘the medicine bag’ around the sugar scene for the last few weeks.”
This classic piece of headwear for beer enthusiasts
“No classier helmet,” raves Amazon reviewer cAznable. “My hands are free, whilst my alcohol consumption increases. 11/10 – would buy again.”
A Crafting with Cat Hair book
“I purchased this book as I was tired of people sitting too near me on public transport,” says one Amazon reviewer. “Worked like a charm.”
This quart-sized jug of wolf urine
“Does not taste good AT ALL,” writes angry Amazon reviewer Nico. “Very bitter taste!”
Just a weird squirrel hand puppet
“Great product,” writes Amazon reviewer Brian the Bryan, “but did not come with an HDMI cable.”
Emergency toast that you inflate yourself
“Best inflatable toast on the market today,” raves Amazon reviewer PositiveLastAction. “If you are like me and can’t be without a high-quality inflatable toast, THIS is the one for you!”
The Licki, a tongue-shaped cat brush
“Obviously, the cat was on my property, and I can lick anything that I want on my property,” says Mavin Johnson in a somewhat unhinged Amazon review of this mouth-held cat brush. “Plus, I am using protection, as this silicone barrier prevents the spread of disease.”
This simple pancake costume
“Sometimes I wear it just to remind myself that I can be whatever I want to be, even if I want to be a stack of pancakes,” writes one Amazon reviewer.
But be warned: “Butter looks real, do not bite, does not taste like butter.”
A giant gummy ‘party python’
More than just a 26-pound snack, this gummy snake will become part of your family, writes Amazon reviewer browning. “I can happily report that the Monty and I are doing quite well. We share a gummy rat each week and his shine is back. I have placed several heat lamps in his play area to keep him warm and supple.”
A giant penguin mask
Writes Amazon reviewer Big Gay: “I wear this mask to sing lullabies to my children. They are terrified of the mask.”
“Whenever they protest about their bedtime, or ask for too many sweets, I whip on the mask, and they soon know who is King Penguin.”
This latex rooster mask
Dave Reed explains in his Amazon review why, exactly, you should buy a large latex rooster mask.
“When I received this my wife was at work. I waited until she was getting ready for work the next morning and put it on with my face right in front of hers while she was blow drying her hair with her eyes closed. When she opened them and saw me she screamed like I’ve never heard her scream and punched me in the arm. Hard. So yeah, it’s a great quality mask.”
These sugar-free gummi bears that might cause severe intestinal distress
“I ate six of these things to aid along in digestion,” writes Amazon reviewer Erin. “The good news is my digestive system is back on track. The bad news is I will never eat another gummy bear and may have flushed part of my soul down the toilet.”
A children’s book that needs a spoiler warning
“There is no conflict, there is no character development, and there is scarcely any plot,” warns Amazon reviewer PacMan about the book Where Is Baby’s Belly Button?
“Whoever wrote this book must have a serious error in judgement, because you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where Baby’s belly button is.”
The infamous Three Wolf Moon shirt
“Once I apply the magical wolves fabric to my chest, my mullet grew like Odin’s beard, my rusted T-top Firebird turned sweet candy apple red and my White Snake tape started playing its body moving melodies once again,” writes Amazon reviewer Scott. “God, life is good!”
Just a chunk of actual, radioactive uranium
“I got a free cat in the box with this purchase,” explains Ellya, “but I’m not sure if I should open it to see if the cat is OK.”
This cereal that claims you’ll ‘Poop Like a Champion’
This high-fiber cereal should be eaten in small doses, says Amazon reviewer Jan O.: “I remember thinking, ‘So this is how I’m going to die. In a Walmart restroom.'”
A can filled with top quality Wi-Fi
When Amazon asked Rick to describe the flavor of this item in a review, this was the response: “It tastes aluminum (sic), salt from my friends tears, and adhesive. The Wi-Fi inside tasted of distilled energy wavelengths and produced a radiological flavor profile that was quite satisfying.”